Older.

I’ve now been in Korea for close to 10 months. It was only until recently that I fantasized daily about leaving early, going back to New York, back to a place I could understand and love wholly if only for the capacity to understand it. That’s not to say that I’ve really tried to understand this place, more like willingly stood on the sidelines of each day, watching in perpetual disbelief of how things continue to confound me, this Korean world and my place within it…

But now as I reach that ticking clock period—these last two months or so—the reality of the American world that awaits me looms larger and larger. As does the unexpected presence of recent factors: the fact that I’ve finally realized that I do love my students and that I will miss them after all—meeting some lovely new people (like, really lovely) and firming friendships with people that have been here with me since the beginning. Not that I’m totally unfamiliar with drastically changing my surroundings, but this whole switching continents business is some pretty new stuff.

And admittedly, I am a bit…scared. WOAH—vulnerability!! (FYI: I get a free pass since I’m writing this on my birthday.) Excited to see all my American (and Canadian!) people of course, but still scared. NYC can eat you alive if you’re not looking and I’m afraid I’ll be so distracted with learning how to live in America again, re-learning the joys of rent and all that bothersome adult crap, re-learning how to be a broke college student, re-learning me, that one day as I’m walking around Central Park oblivious to everything except the trees, that some city official will come up behind me, tap me on the shoulder and sternly tell me that I didn’t pass the test and that I need to leave. Now.

So, there’s that.

“I’m 26 and unmarried. Now you know everything.” Eva Marie Saint in Hitchcock’s brilliant North By Northwest.

Today is my birthday. Never really know what to expect aside from feeling vaguely (or full-on) disappointed, but…this weekend was nice. Some moments more nice than others (like, amazingly nice), but all in all…I feel older. And now I have joined the ranks of Ms. Saint’s ice-queen character in the above-mentioned NXNW. 26 and unmarried. (Now you don’t know everything… rarely do I include my marital status when describing myself, really just on tax forms, but I guess I just like the line.)

Older, not as in God When Are the Wrinkles Coming older, but…older as in…feeling the accumulation of experience upon me. Looking back and feeling the weight/presence of that rainbow-like catalogue of experience in these last 26 years. I still don’t really know anything, but I do know where I’ve been, for better or worse. And even though I still approach things (even those things that I feel somewhat closer to thinking I know) with some degree of hesitation and anxiety, I’m still approaching them. Still willing to get hurt or get happy by them and I think that’s important.

And I realize that last bit sounded really self-helpy, but…oh well. Judge me if you will. I’m older now and I (think) I can take it.